opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
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And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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