turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
