Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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