i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
