I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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