evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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