My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
