Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
