You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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