I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
