how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
