my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
