Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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