life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
