is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Boobs speak an international language.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
