It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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