I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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