And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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