my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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