Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
