i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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