homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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