I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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