We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
