I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
