My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
