my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
