I bet he comes in French.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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