How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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