i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
