My underwear smells like fireworks.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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