how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
