About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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