before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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