Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
