She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
