Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
