girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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