OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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