Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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