My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
