I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
