I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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