I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
