what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
