Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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