Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
