as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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