billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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