when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize