just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
