All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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