Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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