evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
