I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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