Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
