the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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