well I can't set my house on fire every night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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