I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
